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Changes: GOOD ONES!

I've talked about changes and making changes and decisions that go along with change.

Hopefully, we will be making some changes that will benefit us as a family soon. I feel like this a God thing! He's already done great things in our family, and it's just patience I need; He does things on His own and perfect time table.

Not only will it benefit us as a family, but I think it will totally help me get my act together and Jesus start looking healthy again! He's lost weight and he's tall so it's real noticeable and not so healthy looking. This change will definitely fill him out some, at least!

Attached at the Hip

My goodness! If I could run at this point, I SO DEFINITELY would!!

No wonder I can't be my own person!!

I can't have fun without the attached one, not even detachable to have fun with my sister!

You would think I'm nursing a newborn again!

I'm screaming and pulling my hair out on the inside; my outside is so cool, calm, collected, and happy and in a good mood... This can't be healthy!

We took a trip last weekend, just the 2 of us with 4 other couples. We left the kids behind in good hands. First time ever to leave the kids more than one night!

However, the transferring of the kids was not good, but for unrelated reasons. When they were picked up, everything was done and they were gone, but when we picked up them up, it was such an ugly experience that left me in depressed state.

We were practically ignored and felt very unwelcome. Part of it is my fault just for being there, but mainly it's the behavior that is chosen by those who impart the negative.... well, let's just say the "negativeness".

Anyway, yes, it left me in such a down mood that I still can't shake. Today is Thursday, this happened on Sunday; 4 days. It is horrible; I feet it in the pit of my stomach. I think a lot of it is guilt, that it's partly my fault, but also that it hurts someone close to me. No one deserves to be treated the way we were treated.

So I'm just at a loss as to what to do. The kids love these people and since nothing is their fault, it is unfair that they be forbidden to see them. On the other hand, why should we put up with such rude and mean behavior? I think in the long run, the kids will pick up on the behavior and resent them, but I don't want that either. I think in long run, it will confuse them too and start asking questions that may be answered inappropriately by the other party...

If it were just me, it would be easy: DO NOT EVER SEEK THEM, DO NOT EVER SEE THEM, AND FORGET I EVER MET THEM. Unfortunately, it's not that easy.

The last time I can remember that I was mad enough to kill someone, I was a teenager in high school.

I remember the occasion well. I was between boyfriends and there was one guy I really liked. We had talked and hung out before and the feeling was mutual. However, the guy with whom I'd broken up (he actually dumped me) was my dad's, and my mom's for that matter, favorite guy. The guy I liked was not. This guy had a huge family and not one that my parents were very fond of. There was always something happening with them, like a rivalry with another family, cops; trouble was all my parents could see.

When the guy finally asked me out on a date, I was ecstatic! I was so happy and I knew I'd be the envy of every girl in my little clique! Which, in retrospect, I think is all I really cared about. So when I told my parents, they were not so thrilled. I told mom first and she said I could go if it was okay with my dad. Well, of course it wasn't. He wanted me to go back to dating the other guy! It's not like I was the one who had dumped him and I wasn't going to just let my whole world stop because of him! Anyway, my dad said no and meant it.

I was so mad I cried! Now, I'm not a crier but I was livid that my dad didn't want to let me go out with this boy! Did he not know I would make every girl jealous?? Did he really think he was so bad?? Did he not know how angry I was with him?? I hated my dad in that moment. How could he do this to me?? He put his foot down, and it was down, locked in concrete. Nothing was changing his mind, and it didn't.

I went in my room and cried and cried! I wanted to be the envy. I wanted to know what it was like to be his girlfriend if even for a single date. My chest was heavy and my heart was pounding. I was physically mad and angry that I couldn't go on one single date with this guy that I liked, selfishly. I don't think I ever wanted a serious relationship with him. I just wanted to date the guy every girl I knew wanted! And when I didnt get to, it affected me physically.

Today, I was affected physically. I've never been this mad... I screamed and I cried and if I hadn't had on my seat belt, I would have kicked somebody's butt! While it felt good to let out the anger I felt welling up inside, I don't like to be mad like that. However, this time it wasn't because I was prevented, forbidden something, it was because I wasn't being heard.

All I want is to be heard. All I want is acknowledgment; that I'm not stupid for feeling the way I do.

Everything in me exploded! I felt like I couldn't breathe, claustrophobic (which I'm not), my voice turned hoarse because I couldn't scream any louder, my heart was pounding, I wanted to throw myself on the ground and kick, I wanted to break something (a nose perhaps?), I wanted to run away and never come back, I wanted to die, I wanted to be heard. I felt like a 3 year old. How embarrassing.

But, sometimes, feelings are a hard thing to understand, and when all i want is something simple, black and white, no feelings involved, and still not heard, it's hard to take.

I'm going to have a heart attack one day if this keeps up... I don't know what I'm supposed to do... I'm so tired of being ignored; tired of negativity; tired of being down; I want to be heard; I want to be acknowledged; I'm a "glass is half full" type of person and I hate "glass is half empty" type people who want to bring me down.

I want to be heard and acknowledged, period. The rest is cake.

This Bites

I'm one who believes things happen for a reason... People come into one's life for a reason.

And for a while I had been trying to figure out why one person in particular did randomly come into my life for a very short, brief moment in my life. That moment stirred up so much in my life and in me.

I realized exactly what I want and that I deserve what I want.

But that's not the reason this person came into my life, I have recently figured out. That random person happened to push a situation into a crisis mode. Had it not been done, I don't think things would have changed, and not that they have, but at least has brought some things and some of my feelings into the open.

Those things are waiting to be fixed and changed for the better. It's a matter of attitude...

Yet More Decisions

You know, I'm one who likes change. However, the single SOLITARY thing I hate about it is that sometimes the change you want or crave can only come about after making a decision. Sometimes those decisions are easy to make and everyone is on board. Other times the decisions you make could hurt those around you.

I'm at one of the "other times" decisions. Do I sacrifice myself for the "greater good"? Do I suck it up? Or do I do what I need to do? If I do what I need to do, will everything and everyone be okay with my in the long run?

In the previous post, I mentioned the decision had been made for me. I undid that because I thought it was too hasty. This decision is a very large decision that will affect not only me, but my family for the rest of our lives! Yes! It's life changing! something like this can't just be done.

I must do my homework, see if there might be another way that satisfies my need or want for change. I don't want to cause turmoil in my family for years to come. My desire for this change will only be satisfied as a last resort, even if I don't want it to be; I want to do it now!